hope for me yet

a year ago,

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 19:03:39 -0400

I was on day #2 of pills. It’s kind of insane to think that a whole year has passed since I started accutane. Since my last update, I haven’t really had any major breakouts, just minor stuff that’s pretty much here-today-gone-tomorrow.

Oy vey, I forgot how awkward it was to take one-sided self-portraits.

Anyways, life is good.

officially done.

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 22:27:26 -0500

I’ve been off Accutane since the end of November, but I took my last blood test on Monday and headed to the dermatologist today to officially close the book on all this. Nothing of note to report. I’m happy, the doctor is happy, and hopefully we stay happy.

Just some minor hyperpigmentation left, really. I still break out from time to time, but very minimally and only around my period. My skin is not dry anymore; it’s returned to its oily state. All in all, these are insignificant grievances compared to the everyday nightmares I used to be living.

I don’t really have a set skin care routine these days. It varies depending on how I feel my skin is reacting. In the past, my skin has always seemed to develop a tolerance for whatever products I’d been using, so I switch it up whenever I feel like I need to. Aveeno’s pore purifying facial wash is a staple, but the most off-the-wall thing I have in my arsenal is raw African black soap. You can look it up, but it has a lot of benefits, and I think it has helped with my overall complexion. Other times, I break out either the St. Ive’s apricot scrub or the Oxy benzoyal peroxide facial wash. Some nights I use a 50/50 mix of apple cider vinegar and water as a toner. Otherwise, I just moisturize with Clean & Clear’s dual action moisturizer. If I’m really getting all acne-ish, I’ll use Neutrogena’s on the spot treatment or Clearasil’s daily clear, depending on which one I can find first, honestly. haha.

So, I’ll probably pop back in periodically for more post-Accutane updates. See ya then.

you look beautiful :) congrats on making through it a hard, but rewarding journey! i hope to make it on the other side as well as you have :D

Sun, 18 Dec 2011 00:14:46 -0500

Thanks!! Best of luck to you! :)

i'm so so so so happy for you! :) congratulations!

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 20:05:31 -0500

Thank you so much!! Also, this is random, but I love your tumblr and have to force myself to refrain from reblogging every single one of your posts. :)

start to finish.

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 19:38:52 -0500

start to finish.

2 weeks since my last pill

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 18:40:00 -0500

I didn’t post last week because I was busy (not) working on my thesis, babysitting, finishing up Christmas shopping, and all that jazz. Also, I was on my period, which I’m gonna assume is why I had 3 actives, but they’re gone now. I guess that’s something that will never go away? Anyways, life post-accutane is pretty sweet.

I still have a slight rash on my hands, my lips still feel like they need chapstick more often than not, but when I look at pictures from May/June, I’m amazed at my progress.

I have no idea if this is related or not, but I’m now having SO MUCH trouble sleeping. It’s not too big of a pain right now, because I can still take naps since I don’t have a 9-5 job or anything, but still… I’m just constantly waking up throughout the night and not sleeping through it. But come to think of it, this was my life pre-accutane so maybe I just have a sleeping problem in general. Time for some melatonin pills, maybe? Sigh.

So, to sum up my experience…

Pros

not embarrassed about my face anymore.
no makeup? no problem.
yes to makeup? then my face looks fairly flawless.
sleep = awesome.
++++++self-confidence.

Cons

monthly blood tests/doctor’s visits.
being on the pill and gaining weight.
living through the dry skin/lips/various annoying side effects.
the 22.3 seconds it took for me to get a pill out of that damn packaging.
the fact that it gets worse before it gets better.

But it gets better! :)

Week 24

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 18:46:00 -0500

Ok, so that minor stuff I wrote about last week turned into way-more-than-minor stuff, but things are on the upswing now. Not really sure why I broke out; nothing in my routine changed, nor is it that time of the month or anything yet.

I’m on my last pack, just 4 more pills left! Insane. It’s hard to imagine life without those little orange guys, but I won’t be sad to see them go.

thanks so much for sharing your progress, it gives me so much hope. I'm starting in January and I'm so anxious but results like yours make me realize it's worth it. :) You look so great!!! Congrats

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 18:33:27 -0500

Thanks! Here’s hoping for a good experience for you! :)

Week 23

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 23:01:00 -0500

This week I had some minor stuff pop up, not really sure why, but I think I’ll just table it for a week and see where I am for the next post. Otherwise, all of my annoying symptoms from last week have lessened or subsided, and things more or less remain the same. So I don’t really have too much to say.

Until next time.

Weeks 21-22

Sun, 13 Nov 2011 20:23:00 -0500

It’s good to be back in the saddle, so to speak. After a week off, I had some symptoms pop up in unusual intensity: more dryness in the face, rash on my hands, etc etc. But I don’t really mind too much, because I feel like there’s been some improvement made overall.

It seems like a lot of my hyperpigmentation has gone away…

It’s coming down to the end, here. I have 36 pills left, which translates to about 2.5 weeks. Crazyyy.

Week 20

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 23:16:11 -0500

aka Hell Week. So… After finishing my first clinical, a babysitting job kinda fell into my lap. It pays, and it’s not retail, so of course I took it. It doesn’t hurt that I get to spend time with the most adorable, agreeable baby on the planet. In the universe, even. But I guess it also means I’m exposed to more germs, or something? Baby got his first cold, and passed it on to me (see last week). Then the parents got some sort of stomach virus thing, starting with the dad last week, passing onto the mom over the weekend and into Monday, and hitting me on Tuesday.

This thing was brutal. I have never thrown up so much in my life. I couldn’t even keep water down. At one point, I probably should’ve gone to the hospital, but I was too far gone to care. I just wanted to be put out of my misery.

Obviously, I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t taking pills, I was pretty much just confined to my bed, curled up in the fetal position wondering if I would ever see the light of day again. I may sound like I’m exaggerating, but I’m being completely serious. Also, I think I deserve a trophy for surviving this ordeal. Someone get on that.

Let’s forget this week ever happened, please… Here we go, week 21!

Week 19

Thu, 27 Oct 2011 22:03:00 -0400

Ugh. So I’m sick. Again. Thus my pill-popping this week has been weird, depending on if I’m actually up for a real meal or not. It didn’t affect me too much last time, but maybe it did this time, because I’ve been dealing with an oh so lovely active on my nose. I think I’m past the worst of it now, but it definitely catapulted me back into pre-Accutane days where breakouts were the norm. Every day. I guess I didn’t realize just how much I haven’t been breaking out these last few weeks.

Anyways. I wish it was time for some Nyquil and bed, but I have a date with my thesis instead. Lit reviews are sooo much fun. Oy vey.

Week 18

Tue, 18 Oct 2011 20:37:00 -0400

Not my usual Sunday night post, but hey. Better late than never. Yesterday I had my monthly derm appointment. I’m going to continue for another 4 weeks. I’m still on the low end of the total allotted dosage and the extra month will hopefully give me a better chance at beating all this completely. At least that is what the dude with the ph.d says. My next derm appointment is not going to be for another 2-3 months, same with the blood test. Slowly but surely this entire process is coming to a close!

So lately, I’ve actually ventured out in public with no makeup on. And no second thoughts. It’s been pretty sweet. Confidence, I like having it. :)

Week 17

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 23:54:00 -0400

Things are still going quite well. I really don’t have any news to share. Same side effects, same everything at this point. So, here’s some pictures… with a weird fuzzy/glowy quality about them.

Anyways.

I have some actives waiting to happen, but it’s also coming up on that time of the month, so it’s not anything that can really be helped. Otherwise, that’s it for this week. Until next time.

118 days ago...

Tue, 04 Oct 2011 17:44:00 -0400

I looked like this:

And now, this…(albeit with makeup):

The difference is so startling. I feel like those are two completely different people. The eyes say it all. The girl in the first picture was unhappy, self-loathing, and maybe even a little depressed. Possibly vain and superficial, too. The girl in the second picture is much more confident, happy, and maybe still vain and superficial, but I’ll say it again… happy. And that’s enough for me.

Wasn’t planning on doing a before/after until the very end, but I had forgotten how bad it really was, and it’s making me appreciate where I am today and what it took to get here. There is hope, after all. I see that now.

Week 16

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 20:05:00 -0400

4 months! I gotta say, overall I feel really happy with where I’m at and from here on out, the rest is gravy.

I don’t know if it’s visible enough here, but a pore strip across that nose is definitely on my to-do list.

I did get pretty sick last week and skipped a couple pills because I wasn’t up for eating very much. I wasn’t about to go and add a stomachache to my list of problems. But it doesn’t seem to have had much effect at all. Which is obviously good news, woot woot!

Have a good week, everyone!

You look amazing!!! So so happy for you :3

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 20:56:31 -0400

Thanks, dear!

Week 15

Sun, 25 Sep 2011 20:50:00 -0400

My derm appointment last week went really well. I’m right on track and maybe even ahead of the curve as far as progress and all that jazz. This month’s prescription will stay the same, 60mg/day. I can deal with that. The doc recommended sunscreen or any kind of moisturizer or makeup with SPF in it to help with all the hyperpigmentation I still have going on. And even though I didn’t see my regular derm, Sonny (it’s a father-son practice) was pretty nice and they must be grooming him to take over the entire practice eventually, because my appointment next month is with him, too. Which is fine with me, I guess you could say he won me over.

I’m sick with an earache, sore throat, and fever, so I didn’t spend too much time trying to perfect these headshots… Let’s hope I can make it to clinicals tomorrow. Anyways…

The derm said I could possibly only have 6 more weeks on these damn meds. I’m definitely ready to be rid of all these annoying side effects, but I hope this isn’t jumping the gun too much. Cause I damn for sure don’t wanna go for a round 2 on all this somewhere down the line. I’d rather be aggressive now, but maybe enough is enough. We’ll see!

Week 14

Sun, 18 Sep 2011 21:16:00 -0400

Hard to believe it’s the middle of September and I started all this back in mid-June. I’m feeling really good about things this week. I started using a new facewash, and it has done wonders for my overall complexion, at least in my opinion. And I am one tough customer. I’m gonna try it for a few more weeks of consistent use before I go on and recommend it, though. I will say that it’s not something you can buy in a drugstore, but… So far, so good.

Yeah, I have a little something going on there, but it’s courtesy of my monthly gift from the universe (yay). I should be rid of it soon…

Tomorrow I’ve got a date with the derm again; not sure what’s gonna be in store for me there. My regular derm is not going to be in since he’s recovering from rotator cuff surgery, so it’ll be someone completely different. Hopefully it works out. I’m a little worried about having someone new come in at this point to prescribe me next month’s supply, but fingers crossed.

As a sidenote, I weighed myself for the first time since May. Talk about a buzzkill. This is round 2 for me with the BC pill; I was on it a few years ago when I studied abroad in France. I can laugh about it now, but I’ll just say this: new crazy ridiculous appetite + France, aka land of bakeries on every corner, wine and bread with every meal, delicious desserts = coming back home only to find you’ve gained, oh, almost 30 pounds and oops, your bridesmaid dress for the wedding you’re in LATER THAT WEEK no longer fits. At all. God, that was embarrassing.

Needless to say, I stopped taking the pill because it was so odd for me to be carrying all that extra weight around. Especially since it all pretty much went to my chest. Do you know how freakin’ expensive bras are? Yeah. Not a fan. I didn’t like it. My favorite clothes didn’t fit anymore. I really wasn’t comfortable wearing anything besides sweatpants and sweatshirts. Which is the whole college wardrobe anyways, so that didn’t really matter.

Fast forward to May of this year: happy with my body, but my acne had to come back with a vengeance and rain on my parade. Back on the pill I went, along with the Accutane, and here I am 4 months later: 19 pounds heavier. Which isn’t a surprise, because my appetite is insane. My clothes are starting to not fit again. AWESOME. I stuffed myself into a bathing suit a few weeks ago and it really wasn’t pretty. Someone needs to make a pill minus the side effect of an increased appetite. Seriously. It’s bad. Sometimes I’ll get up in the middle of the night to eat because I’m so hungry. Ohhh well…

I’m just going to take it all in stride. I’m not looking for perfection, just a little bit of contentment, you know? Or maybe I just have a really skewed view of things, you know, fuck society and its standards of beauty and all that. Entirely possible. More possible than not.

I will say that, overall, my self-confidence has shot up. I don’t mind when people actually just look at me these days, and that was a whole different story back in May. I remember staying home and refusing to go to church once because things were so bad, which is super lame. I think it also helps that I’m currently doing a rotation in a long-term care facility (read: nursing home). I get along very well with the geriatric population, and everyone is so sweet and all, “You’re beautiful,” “You have the prettiest smile,” or my favorite, “You’re so nice. I like you better than *points very obviously* her.” Haha.

They’ve taught me that I’m a little too hard on myself, and that maybe, just maybe, my idea of beauty is completely effed up.

So working with these lovely people that I see every day and have gotten to know on a crazy personal basis has been a great confidence booster, and it is going to be really hard to leave them all in a few weeks. But they have helped me in ways they probably couldn’t even have imagined (and Lord knows I couldn’t even have dreamed this up), and I can only hope that I’ve helped them just as much.

I mean, not only have I gained clinical exposure and practical knowledge, but it’s been an equally meaningful experience on the personal side of things. I was unsure about this rotation at the start, but now I see that it has been just what I needed, and more. Things always work out in the end. Maybe not the way you thought they would or wanted them to, but they work out. You just have to fight your way through the middle to get there, is all.

Wow, this entry was a doozy. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Wow!! Your skin looks fantastic :D I'm so happy for your incredible improvement :)) Good job hanging in there!

Sun, 11 Sep 2011 21:12:27 -0400

Thank you!! :)