hope for me yet

Week 20

aka Hell Week. So… After finishing my first clinical, a babysitting job kinda fell into my lap. It pays, and it’s not retail, so of course I took it. It doesn’t hurt that I get to spend time with the most adorable, agreeable baby on the planet. In the universe, even. But I guess it also means I’m exposed to more germs, or something? Baby got his first cold, and passed it on to me (see last week). Then the parents got some sort of stomach virus thing, starting with the dad last week, passing onto the mom over the weekend and into Monday, and hitting me on Tuesday. 

This thing was brutal. I have never thrown up so much in my life. I couldn’t even keep water down. At one point, I probably should’ve gone to the hospital, but I was too far gone to care. I just wanted to be put out of my misery.

Obviously, I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t taking pills, I was pretty much just confined to my bed, curled up in the fetal position wondering if I would ever see the light of day again. I may sound like I’m exaggerating, but I’m being completely serious. Also, I think I deserve a trophy for surviving this ordeal. Someone get on that.

Let’s forget this week ever happened, please… Here we go, week 21!

Week 19

Ugh. So I’m sick. Again. Thus my pill-popping this week has been weird, depending on if I’m actually up for a real meal or not. It didn’t affect me too much last time, but maybe it did this time, because I’ve been dealing with an oh so lovely active on my nose. I think I’m past the worst of it now, but it definitely catapulted me back into pre-Accutane days where breakouts were the norm. Every day. I guess I didn’t realize just how much I haven’t been breaking out these last few weeks. 

Anyways. I wish it was time for some Nyquil and bed, but I have a date with my thesis instead. Lit reviews are sooo much fun. Oy vey.

Week 18

Not my usual Sunday night post, but hey. Better late than never. Yesterday I had my monthly derm appointment. I’m going to continue for another 4 weeks. I’m still on the low end of the total allotted dosage and the extra month will hopefully give me a better chance at beating all this completely. At least that is what the dude with the ph.d says. My next derm appointment is not going to be for another 2-3 months, same with the blood test. Slowly but surely this entire process is coming to a close!

So lately, I’ve actually ventured out in public with no makeup on. And no second thoughts. It’s been pretty sweet. Confidence, I like having it. :)

Week 17

Things are still going quite well. I really don’t have any news to share. Same side effects, same everything at this point. So, here’s some pictures… with a weird fuzzy/glowy quality about them.

Anyways.

I have some actives waiting to happen, but it’s also coming up on that time of the month, so it’s not anything that can really be helped. Otherwise, that’s it for this week. Until next time.

118 days ago…

I looked like this:

And now, this…(albeit with makeup):

The difference is so startling. I feel like those are two completely different people. The eyes say it all. The girl in the first picture was unhappy, self-loathing, and maybe even a little depressed. Possibly vain and superficial, too. The girl in the second picture is much more confident, happy, and maybe still vain and superficial, but I’ll say it again… happy. And that’s enough for me.

Wasn’t planning on doing a before/after until the very end, but I had forgotten how bad it really was, and it’s making me appreciate where I am today and what it took to get here. There is hope, after all. I see that now.

Week 16

4 months! I gotta say, overall I feel really happy with where I’m at and from here on out, the rest is gravy. 

I don’t know if it’s visible enough here, but a pore strip across that nose is definitely on my to-do list.

I did get pretty sick last week and skipped a couple pills because I wasn’t up for eating very much. I wasn’t about to go and add a stomachache to my list of problems. But it doesn’t seem to have had much effect at all. Which is obviously good news, woot woot!

Have a good week, everyone!

Anonymous asked: You look amazing!!! So so happy for you :3

Thanks, dear!

Week 15

My derm appointment last week went really well. I’m right on track and maybe even ahead of the curve as far as progress and all that jazz. This month’s prescription will stay the same, 60mg/day. I can deal with that. The doc recommended sunscreen or any kind of moisturizer or makeup with SPF in it to help with all the hyperpigmentation I still have going on. And even though I didn’t see my regular derm, Sonny (it’s a father-son practice) was pretty nice and they must be grooming him to take over the entire practice eventually, because my appointment next month is with him, too. Which is fine with me, I guess you could say he won me over.

I’m sick with an earache, sore throat, and fever, so I didn’t spend too much time trying to perfect these headshots…  Let’s hope I can make it to clinicals tomorrow. Anyways…

The derm said I could possibly only have 6 more weeks on these damn meds. I’m definitely ready to be rid of all these annoying side effects, but I hope this isn’t jumping the gun too much. Cause I damn for sure don’t wanna go for a round 2 on all this somewhere down the line. I’d rather be aggressive now, but maybe enough is enough. We’ll see!

Week 14

Hard to believe it’s the middle of September and I started all this back in mid-June. I’m feeling really good about things this week. I started using a new facewash, and it has done wonders for my overall complexion, at least in my opinion. And I am one tough customer. I’m gonna try it for a few more weeks of consistent use before I go on and recommend it, though. I will say that it’s not something you can buy in a drugstore, but… So far, so good.

Yeah, I have a little something going on there, but it’s courtesy of my monthly gift from the universe (yay). I should be rid of it soon…

Tomorrow I’ve got a date with the derm again; not sure what’s gonna be in store for me there. My regular derm is not going to be in since he’s recovering from rotator cuff surgery, so it’ll be someone completely different. Hopefully it works out. I’m a little worried about having someone new come in at this point to prescribe me next month’s supply, but fingers crossed.

As a sidenote, I weighed myself for the first time since May. Talk about a buzzkill. This is round 2 for me with the BC pill; I was on it a few years ago when I studied abroad in France. I can laugh about it now, but I’ll just say this: new crazy ridiculous appetite + France, aka land of bakeries on every corner, wine and bread with every meal, delicious desserts = coming back home only to find you’ve gained, oh, almost 30 pounds and oops, your bridesmaid dress for the wedding you’re in LATER THAT WEEK no longer fits. At all. God, that was embarrassing.

Needless to say, I stopped taking the pill because it was so odd for me to be carrying all that extra weight around. Especially since it all pretty much went to my chest. Do you know how freakin’ expensive bras are? Yeah. Not a fan. I didn’t like it. My favorite clothes didn’t fit anymore. I really wasn’t comfortable wearing anything besides sweatpants and sweatshirts. Which is the whole college wardrobe anyways, so that didn’t really matter.

Fast forward to May of this year: happy with my body, but my acne had to come back with a vengeance and rain on my parade. Back on the pill I went, along with the Accutane, and here I am 4 months later: 19 pounds heavier. Which isn’t a surprise, because my appetite is insane. My clothes are starting to not fit again. AWESOME. I stuffed myself into a bathing suit a few weeks ago and it really wasn’t pretty. Someone needs to make a pill minus the side effect of an increased appetite. Seriously. It’s bad. Sometimes I’ll get up in the middle of the night to eat because I’m so hungry. Ohhh well…

I’m just going to take it all in stride. I’m not looking for perfection, just a little bit of contentment, you know? Or maybe I just have a really skewed view of things, you know, fuck society and its standards of beauty and all that. Entirely possible. More possible than not.

I will say that, overall, my self-confidence has shot up. I don’t mind when people actually just look at me these days, and that was a whole different story back in May. I remember staying home and refusing to go to church once because things were so bad, which is super lame. I think it also helps that I’m currently doing a rotation in a long-term care facility (read: nursing home). I get along very well with the geriatric population, and everyone is so sweet and all, “You’re beautiful,” “You have the prettiest smile,” or my favorite, “You’re so nice. I like you better than *points very obviously* her.” Haha.

They’ve taught me that I’m a little too hard on myself, and that maybe, just maybe, my idea of beauty is completely effed up.

So working with these lovely people that I see every day and have gotten to know on a crazy personal basis has been a great confidence booster, and it is going to be really hard to leave them all in a few weeks. But they have helped me in ways they probably couldn’t even have imagined (and Lord knows I couldn’t even have dreamed this up), and I can only hope that I’ve helped them just as much.

I mean, not only have I gained clinical exposure and practical knowledge, but it’s been an equally meaningful experience on the personal side of things. I was unsure about this rotation at the start, but now I see that it has been just what I needed, and more. Things always work out in the end. Maybe not the way you thought they would or wanted them to, but they work out. You just have to fight your way through the middle to get there, is all.

Wow, this entry was a doozy. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Anonymous asked: Wow!! Your skin looks fantastic :D I'm so happy for your incredible improvement :)) Good job hanging in there!

Thank you!! :)