Hard to believe it’s the middle of September and I started all this back in mid-June. I’m feeling really good about things this week. I started using a new facewash, and it has done wonders for my overall complexion, at least in my opinion. And I am one tough customer. I’m gonna try it for a few more weeks of consistent use before I go on and recommend it, though. I will say that it’s not something you can buy in a drugstore, but… So far, so good.
Yeah, I have a little something going on there, but it’s courtesy of my monthly gift from the universe (yay). I should be rid of it soon…
Tomorrow I’ve got a date with the derm again; not sure what’s gonna be in store for me there. My regular derm is not going to be in since he’s recovering from rotator cuff surgery, so it’ll be someone completely different. Hopefully it works out. I’m a little worried about having someone new come in at this point to prescribe me next month’s supply, but fingers crossed.
As a sidenote, I weighed myself for the first time since May. Talk about a buzzkill. This is round 2 for me with the BC pill; I was on it a few years ago when I studied abroad in France. I can laugh about it now, but I’ll just say this: new crazy ridiculous appetite + France, aka land of bakeries on every corner, wine and bread with every meal, delicious desserts = coming back home only to find you’ve gained, oh, almost 30 pounds and oops, your bridesmaid dress for the wedding you’re in LATER THAT WEEK no longer fits. At all. God, that was embarrassing.
Needless to say, I stopped taking the pill because it was so odd for me to be carrying all that extra weight around. Especially since it all pretty much went to my chest. Do you know how freakin’ expensive bras are? Yeah. Not a fan. I didn’t like it. My favorite clothes didn’t fit anymore. I really wasn’t comfortable wearing anything besides sweatpants and sweatshirts. Which is the whole college wardrobe anyways, so that didn’t really matter.
Fast forward to May of this year: happy with my body, but my acne had to come back with a vengeance and rain on my parade. Back on the pill I went, along with the Accutane, and here I am 4 months later: 19 pounds heavier. Which isn’t a surprise, because my appetite is insane. My clothes are starting to not fit again. AWESOME. I stuffed myself into a bathing suit a few weeks ago and it really wasn’t pretty. Someone needs to make a pill minus the side effect of an increased appetite. Seriously. It’s bad. Sometimes I’ll get up in the middle of the night to eat because I’m so hungry. Ohhh well…
I’m just going to take it all in stride. I’m not looking for perfection, just a little bit of contentment, you know? Or maybe I just have a really skewed view of things, you know, fuck society and its standards of beauty and all that. Entirely possible. More possible than not.
I will say that, overall, my self-confidence has shot up. I don’t mind when people actually just look at me these days, and that was a whole different story back in May. I remember staying home and refusing to go to church once because things were so bad, which is super lame. I think it also helps that I’m currently doing a rotation in a long-term care facility (read: nursing home). I get along very well with the geriatric population, and everyone is so sweet and all, “You’re beautiful,” “You have the prettiest smile,” or my favorite, “You’re so nice. I like you better than *points very obviously* her.” Haha.
They’ve taught me that I’m a little too hard on myself, and that maybe, just maybe, my idea of beauty is completely effed up.
So working with these lovely people that I see every day and have gotten to know on a crazy personal basis has been a great confidence booster, and it is going to be really hard to leave them all in a few weeks. But they have helped me in ways they probably couldn’t even have imagined (and Lord knows I couldn’t even have dreamed this up), and I can only hope that I’ve helped them just as much.
I mean, not only have I gained clinical exposure and practical knowledge, but it’s been an equally meaningful experience on the personal side of things. I was unsure about this rotation at the start, but now I see that it has been just what I needed, and more. Things always work out in the end. Maybe not the way you thought they would or wanted them to, but they work out. You just have to fight your way through the middle to get there, is all.
Wow, this entry was a doozy. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.